I am never doing that again. Ever.

Posted by Miss Honesty in Honesty is the best policy, Life's little pleasures

Ah the beauty of being stupid.

Once in a while, you have to be incredibly stupid to remind yourself of how intelligent you actually are normally. If you don’t you end up beating yourself up about how much smarter you should be all the time and missing all the good bits that you accomplish each day. This is my theory anyway, not actually scientifically proven or anything, but ensuring I have total justification for my recent mishap. Ah hem.

A couple of nights ago, specifically Thursday night when it was completely inappropriate and totally dysfunctional that a Mother of four would find herself on a night out, I went on an evening out (notice the difference there?!) with a friend, her Mother and her Mother’s friend. Mom’s were involved, ones who were Grandmothers, I mean hello there was nothing wrong with this scenario here. It was safe. It was like, something not quite as safe as Bingo night, but totally not find yourself in a ditch at 4am sort of thing. It was awesome, there was laughter, fun and…..two Mom’s who decided that the fun shouldn’t even be ending at 10 -oldie-O’clock. Psssht….we had no kids like, dude.

All I’m going to say, is that we ended up at a pub after the evening thing that was totally safe. We were joined by two other friends and with four chicks, three of which whom usually have kids latched onto their legs, hips and backs, this felt like total freedom. Men were at home watching our sleeping babes.I mean it was Thursday night, what could possibly go wrong with a quick drink at the pub.

You’re answer, dear ones, is Me.

Apparently, people should eat a bit later than 4.30 in the afternoon when they plan on drinking on a night out. They should also drink more normal fluids than just alcohol and they should probably check their absolutely appallingly low alcohol tolerance before they venture toward their glass. I mean these are just recommendations and not totally set in stone, however looking back it would have been fantastic advice had I only recalled these things from an earlier time in my life when shit hit the fan and I was left slobbering drunk. Somehow, I forgot all my Basic Party Training from late teenagehood and decided I was a freaking superhero for the night. After two large glasses of wine and just a quarter of a third (how large and how strong this wine was I will never know) something that felt like a massive 2×4 just whacked me upside the head and pretty much left my friends walking me back arm in arm whilst shouting how freaking awesome everything and everyone was. However nice I was, it wasn’t long before I was singing to the loo Gods and praying for forgiveness.

Um. I was sorta doing that prayer for like most of the next day.

I’m doubting my ability to learn anything and wondering why such a seemingly small amount of wine put me into such a mess and also whether I’m going to get my adult status revoked and have to relive my late teens again. Which would sorta suck on account of teenage relationships being completely lame and overly dramatic for my tastes.

I would also like to point out just how little I drink on a regular basis…..I think the embarrassingly small amounts of alcohol in this story can confirm I’m a weakling in that department. Most people don’t believe me, but I’m fairly sure my friends think I’m either the luckiest woman alive being able to drink so little and get such a buzz, or that I’m a poor loser who needs to get a grip on getting a life and get out more often.

Either way I’m pretty much never going to do that again.

Next time, I’ll slam a buffet first, drink three liters of water and stick to spritzers.

Ugh, I’m getting old.

It’s the must have for every girl

Posted by Miss Honesty in Holy Mother of LOL

I had to share this. I couldn’t bring myself to not share it and perhaps you can go and enhance your look and feel like a million later and come back here and personally thank me for being so awesome.

You, are so welcome.

You’re making me happy with a dead house sparrow

Posted by Miss Honesty in Can you believe some people?!

People say the weirdest things.

Strangely enough however, they seem to make total sense. What were you born in a barn!?  We get that. It’s raining cats and dogs. Also, we get that.  You gotta read between the lines. How the hell we get that one is beyond me, but we do. All of these things make perfect sense, which is weird when you think about it, but it only does up until

You’re a foreigner. 

When you start crossing cultures it all goes a bit insane and mental. You also begin to defend your own culture’s expressions believing that naturally they make perfect sense and why can’t everyone else see that?! Suddenly the expressions of other cultures is just plain and simply messed up all beyond help and imagination. It should occur to you that perhaps they are thinking exactly the same thing about your screwed up upbringing and thanking the powers that be that they didn’t have to grow up and work out why being born in a barn was a bad thing. No insults toward farm folks or Jesus intended.

So welcome to my universe. Mad Yank who up and fled the country to live amongst the British, while swooning a Dutchman and falling  madly in love and living happily ever after in complete chaos. Most of the time me and Mr. Dutchie completely get each other, however there are moments when WTF’s happen in a failure to communicate and the other is left standing there thinking Houston we have a problem. Obviously when it comes to his side, he can totally pull the well it just doesn’t translate well, but it DOES MAKE SENSE! card when I get to stand there for three days trying to figure out how the particular expression came to be at all, because let me tell you – the Dutch say some pretty weird shit.

For instance our conversation just a couple of evenings ago. To be honest I can’t even remember what the hell we were talking about in the first place because what he said just completely stunned and confused me to such a degree that everything before that moment sort of disappeared like a drunken episode. As I was walking away to finish making our cups of tea in the kitchen he said to me…

It’s like you’re making me happy with a dead house bird babe. 

Do you know those moments when you hear something clearly, but then you stand there blinking for a really long time thinking you must have misheard them because there was no way in planet earth that should have come out of their mouths?  You can imagine my face right? You can feel my confusion right now can’t you? I mean, how does this even begin to make sense?!

But then right, then he corrected himself. I found out two days later that the actual expression is You’re making me happy with a dead house sparrow and then I was really confused, because who the hell keeps Sparrows as pet’s?! Better still, this expression is not freaking making sense at all please come back to sanity and start making sense. 

So he explained it. Apparently, its an expression that you use when basically trying to say “you are trying to make me happy with something that couldn’t possibly be a happy thing” in other words I’m not freaking impressed. 

So now, I’m totally pissed off. NOW, I’m thinking wait…. you were insulting my convo? So like whatever it was that I was talking to you about was totally not even exciting, but now the real issue here is I’m supposed to be mad and I can’t even remember what I was talking about in the first place, since you baffled me - it’s like he’s ripped the carpet right out from under me and got away with it.

This isn’t even humane.

But we did have a laugh about it anyway, because even when it came shooting out of his mouth he realized that it sounded completely ridiculous (at least in English), which in turn made me laugh and him get away with insulting the conversation and still managing to avoid the sofa.

Good play Mr. Dutchie, damn good play.

Having a cross culture relationship has brought us some pretty interesting moments that other people don’t get the joy of experiencing. I’ve accidentally insulted him in Dutch when I thought I was speaking English. I’m like the only person in the universe who could make up an English word and it turns out to be a huge insult in Dutch…TWICE. Thankfully the Dutch have a wicked sense of humor or else I would have thought we’d have broken up by now. I’ve learned that it doesn’t rain cats and dogs everywhere in the world, in Holland it rains pipesticks. One of Mr. Dutchie’s favorite expressions translated into English?  Never look a given horse in in the mouth - I’m still working that one out. He told it to me three and a half years ago. I don’t know.

The British? They have some pretty funky expressions too. Mate, that is the dog’s bollocks! The thing you say when not in polite company (as bollocks is a swear type word) and when something is really awesome. May I just explain that bollocks are testicles and I am not even remotely sure when dog’s one’s became absolutely amazing but there ya go. If in polite company or amongst children, you can say instead That is the bee’s knees! Was anyone else aware that Bee’s even had knees? I thought I had issues.

Yeah it’s pretty tough being barking mad and living amongst the Limey’s, trying to work out my Dutchie and whatever screw loose I had before all these bloody Europeans waltzed into my life, by now I’m sure the thing has fallen clean out.

It’s all sixes and sevens.

The hope for me is gone. Save yourselves.